Last fall, I read an article in the New York Times that was related to anxiety. I wish I could really remember the context. Give more insight about what the article was discussing. Alas. I can’t. I just remember the idea of speech balloons.

The article writer was discussing anxiety. Already stated. Sorry. In all honesty, I think the article really was looking at how people process anxiety, how we come up with various strategies and ways to deal with anxiety.

Moreso, One of the recommendations was a toxic strategy. Speech bubbles.

When we create speech bubbles, we rehearse conversations or mull over conversations we had with someone else. I do this all the damn time. I had an encounter that I didn’t like how it unfolded. My dignity was hit. Or maybe I finally came up with the ultimate comeback. Or I just didn’t like how everything transpired. In the end. I start mulling over what I wanted to say or what I should have said or what I will want to say (depending on the verb tense).

In the end, those conversations never happen. Even if I am preparing for a potential confrontation, in the end, the conversations never unfold the way I rehearse them. But I make myself miserable in the continual rehearsals. The strategizing. The I will say this and that person will say that and then I will respond with x.

Speech bubbles need to be popped. At least negative speech bubbles that are rehearsals or redos of angry conversations. I get being prepared for what might come about. 

But too often speech bubbles are when we are judging ourselves. I didn’t do this right but I could have if I had just said this. Or, we are letting the other person in the speech bubble conversation berate us.

Sorry. All of this sounded a lot better in my head (I’m really not trying to be funny here).

In the end, I find myself walking around with mental needles all the time. Popping speech balloons as they form, after they have filled up with toxic words that make the balloons sag and me feel old and grieved. I pop balloons that I fill up with words I think other people will say because then I might start judging them for things they aren’t saying or won’t say or might not say.

The spoken or written word can be difficult enough. Imaginary words just don’t need to exist. Unless they’re nice. And then they’re fine.