I am determined:

To thrive for the next fill in the blank years. Not survive. THRIVE. I will not duck my head. I will not hide in my cave or smear my head into the sand. I am going to read the news and be shocked at what is happening and then read the Constitution and maybe even take a class or ten on it so that I understand and when I think something is wrong I will say something and when I’m not certain I will educate myself. I won’t go to the media. I won’t go to the news. I will find the original resources or as close to the original resources as I can and then I will find more resources and I will learn.

But I am determined to thrive. And if my thriving looks like a form of resistance, then maybe that’s what it is too. But I will do so in the name of the law and with respect for everyone. I might not agree with everyone. But they have the Constitutional right and freedom to speak their opinion. Just as I do. And I will.

I am determined to thrive by writing. And publishing. And finding my voice and exercising it because I am proud of the work I have done. I had a long conversation with a colleague last week. I wrote a query letter that didn’t feel right but had been sending out because I am proud of my novel. I just don’t know how to market my novel. And she mentioned something interesting….that maybe I was stuck in query letter hell because I didn’t feel like I deserved to publish my novel.

That made me pause. Deserve? Of course I deserve too. I’m just not as good as everyone else. Like Cormac McCarthy or Arundhati Roy or fill in the blank published name.

But wait a minute. If I’m not as good as they are…then I guess I didn’t see how I could possibly deserve to be published. And then I read a book this weekend that was beautiful and wonderful and I loved it. And I realized that I could see my book sitting next to this published work. Which means….that…well….I guess in some ways I do see my book as beautiful and wonderful. And, yeah, that’s my opinion. But how in the hell can I sell something if I don’t believe in it?

I’m determined to write. Every damn day. I wish I could be like Anne Tyler. Wake up and spend mabye four hours in the morning writing and then the afternoon rewriting. I crave for that existence. Sure. I can carve out more time for that. Cut my stupid phone game habit. That would give me back at least an hour. But.

Ah. Comma but.

I can craft excuses. And I do have my full time job and home responsibilities. In the end….I don’t have the ability to live Anne Tyler’s existence. Yet. But I am determined to find my own way there. Somehow.

I am determined to thrive. I am determined not to be defeated or extinguished. I am determined to keep pushing forward without pushing others out of the way or stepping on them. I will not lose my integrity or ethics or morals. I will do my best to always remember that people can be and will be compassionate, even if we do disagree.

I might not be perfect. But I can choose to do good. And, damn it. I am determined to do that too.