Vagus nerve breathing. Check.

Top-down analysis of situations. Check.

Remove emotions and examine things from a logical angle. Check.

Positive meditations. Check.

Prayer. Check.

Countdown to end of week. Check.

Still finding that the wall is looming. Crap.

I have been learning a lot about the art of not stressing over situations and circumstances that really have nothing to do with me or are outside of my control or are beyond the scope of my ability or well outside my emotional or psychological or physical geography. For so long, I micro-manage and dig my fingers into every nitty-gritty situation so I can stop feeling anxious.

Which just makes me feel anxious. Dang it!

Since Peter passed, I have struggled with getting through a full work week. Technically, last week was my third full week that I have worked. I am not really counting the second full week because I only had students three days that week. My goal is to get to the other side of Thursday for this week. Friday is a field trip that I am helping chaperone which means I’m really not doing much of anything.

But 3:25 Thursday feels so incredibly far away. At this point, 75 hours and 18 minutes.

I can do it.

But I’m feeling the edges of my thresholds fray. A drifting type of weariness is on my mental horizon. A sense that I am pushing really hard at my limit but I need to see myself in my classroom this week. I need to be here. Not because my students need me. But I don’t feel the need to be at home. I don’t need my table covered in crafts and Legos and my journals that I keep filling up (note, the ones that I’ve recently filled were already halfway complete so I don’t know if that really counts). I don’t need the quiet hours with my dogs when I sit on the back deck and absorb sunlight. I don’t need the birdsong and the mountains.

But I do. I can feel the emotional draining. My sensitivity barometer is rising which, again, wearies me. Because then I’m striving to keep the students in check and focused on their work while my brain and emotions work against me.

Let’s read into what they aren’t saying, Graceless.

Hey, did you hear what that person said or didn’t say or notice that facial expression or that gesture. Let’s read into that too!

But wait, there’s more that needs to be hyper analyzed and over thought about.

I might have a four-day weekend coming up. We’re waiting to see what the Monday professional development might be about. Or might not be about. I don’t mind professional development. But, again, I can feel the looming wall starting to tilt. I’ve been running hard (I wish literally but I still have a very swollen, rather tender knee). And I don’t want to smash into my emotional wall and then just sorta crumble at its base and wonder how the hell this could have happened when I was being so cautious and careful with myself.

Tonight. Early time in bed with my reading lamp on and my phone off and the dogs nestled beside me. Tonight, a big mug of hot tea. A long hot shower. A fun book, nothing emotional. Nothing depressing. Just pure fun. Tonight, quiet music. Maybe a moment outside under the stars unless the clouds are building in. And then, I will stand on my back deck and watch the moon’s whiteness shift behind the clouds or the clouds scuttle under the moon’s light.

And I will breathe. And rest my hands against the wall that is covered in moss and ferns. It has snails tucked in the mortared edges and frogs chirruping along the base. Birds nest in its crevices. I will lean my forehead against my wall. Breathe in the stopping moments. And reset.