Learning to live within the nucleus of grief is to redefine how I relate to the world. I went into a bustling city center today. Stood on the side of the road just by a restaurant where I waited for my friend and watched people stroll by.

I felt the edge of sadness. My parents. No. My mother was decorating the Christmas tree when I called her while I was driving. The pain I was dreading was being felt.

Not so much acknowledged. Another story. Another time.

I stood outside the restaurant where I waited for my friend and her two children and observed the people strolling past me. I examined their facial expressions and thought about their experiences. What struggles and trials had they faced?

A man sat in a canvas chair outside a store. he called to the people passing him. He kept noticing how everyone was “looking better.” He complimented a woman on her dress. He wished the passersby a happy holiday.

What are his experiences? His trials? His struggles?

He belonged in his place outside the store hut when I walked by 90 minutes later he was gone and I wondered to the reason for his departure. To where he ended up going.

Yes. My mind went to various stereotypes. I will not lie.

In the end. His seat was gone and his space vacant. Taken up by holiday shoppers pausing in their quests for the next gift.

I think a lot about my life as it unfolds and continues to unspool on the Fate’s loom. I consider my future as I am 30 months from retirement. I consider who I was and who I am and how I will be as an only child. As a woman who is striving to redefine herself in a this ever changing world.

In my hour drive home, I talked to Siri. I asked her questions about history. Philosophy. I asked her to tell me jokes.

The loneliness stretched me thin and made the translucent angles of my body feel thin.

I am redefining myself this Christmas. I am examining the weight of my shadow and the person who follows my heels and is attached to my toes. I consider my future identity and the Magic 8 Ball keeps observing the ambiguous signs that lead to nowhere.

Or everywhere.