Now, Where the Hell Did I Put My Confidence?

After such an amazing summer in which I have heralded my sense of excitement and confidence in myself, opening up textbooks and looking over reading assignments and trying to find my footing as I prepare for my new position at school….

Wow….talk about a really funny plot twist.

I am not proficient at history.  I’ve been reading a history textbook this summer (and even loving it) which has helped me with the process of aligning my course with the history course that is being taught to the same group of students.  However, the more I learn, the more I realize that I need to learn.  Yeah, that’s a cliche’; suck it up.   Turn on the literary vacuum cleaner and just lift this off the page.

But it’s still the emotion of the hour.

And then, I’m not exactly certain about pacing.

But, as I choose not to wallow and instead push my head deeper into the textbooks that I have accumulated or were bought for me to help me with planning out this year….I am starting to realize that I’m not such a grand doofus.

I’m a doofus. That won’t change.  I have a tendency to make the stupidest mistakes that can be made.  And I do them so gloriously well.  My name is not because I’m lacking in God’s grace.  It’s became I’m horribly clumsy…and I don’t mean just physically.

Regardless, I posted about the edge of my anxiety on Facebook…and about the fact that the Ugly-Cat is trying to shred my notes which I thought was rather funny.

And student after student has come forward and told me that I was “going to be fine,” that my “students are going to love [me.]”  I wasn’t looking for reassurances, but I won’t stop them from coming or giving me those lovely warm-and-fuzzies.

I know that I will do my absolute best and will work as hard as I can.  But the teachers who have preceded me are excellent and I worry that I won’t live up to their standards.

Also, this is change.  And change is a good thing.  But change is scary when I have been doing something very well for a decade and I’m about to let it slide out between my fingers while I greedily grasp at this new opportunity.

Life is beautiful.  Life is wonderful.  And it’s easy for me to write this when I am sitting on the carpeted floor in my office while surrounded by books and the Ugly-Cat laying as a sentry at the door.  Downstairs, my daughter is singing “X’s and O’s” while my son plays video games.

And all I can hear is God telling me that “this too shall pass.”  I shall eventually walk through August and arrive at the foot of my new classroom where I will put up all of my old pictures and will hopefully get a few new ones.

And I will turn around, eventually, and new students will be sitting in old desks and we will start the year.  The merry-go-round will start turning.  At first, the circumlocutions will be slow and rusty; the joints will squeal and complain, possibly grind against one another.

But, eventually, the cogs will mesh and then fit and we will walk together through the literature and past the reading and writing and editing and vocabulary to arrive at another June.

Only, next year, the students will still sort of be on the carousel because they will have two more years before they will graduate.  And, maybe, this is another blessing God has given me, that my good-bye will be truly a see-you-later.

God, I can’t wait.

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