I am usually a “seat of the pants” kind of woman. Maybe that’s why I have a plump tushy? So that when I fall on my butt and just “go by the seat of my pants” it won’t hurt?

I know that I am a bit of a conundrum for my parents. They are a “plan everything out” pair. When we went on vacation, they knew exactly where we were going to be and when and for how long and what we were going to do. Me? I’m a “hey. I woke up. And it’s rainy/sunny so that means I should…..” planner. When I have vacationed in New York City, I tried to make sure all of the people coming with me had an opportunity to choose a destination. Beyond that, I was not about to micro-manage.

Random living is fun. But it can also mean that I don’t necessarily do everything. Or much of anything. It might be part of the reason why I have published oh so very little over the decades. That and my imposter syndrome and fear of failure and rejection fatigue. So…yeah.

This summer, I am all about living with absolute deliberation. I should go back and read Thoreau’s Walden Pond. But I don’t know that I can really handle reading more about beans and ants. But I have really come to understand what me meant about living deliberately. About sucking all the marrow out of life. And as I explore the perimiters of my life, I am seeing more and more about the importance of living deliberately.

Today, I lived with determination, though. I set aside sections of hours with the intent of doing more with my summer, of making myself uncomfortable, and doing things that are new. Today was about breaking up life into increments of time and giving myself the limited ability to do something for a limited amount of time. In doing so, I am not going BTTW. I am not going to work until I am exhausted and then try to push forward.

Instead, I watered plants, took care of animals, weeded part of the garden, worked on the deck, cleaned the kitchen, made lunch, and worked on lesson plans. I created increments of time that gave me the ability to have my mind active. I used the oscillating saw (and now I’m doubting if that is the right tool) to cut through stubborn nails. Then, either my daughter or I used the vise grips to remove the nails. Tomorrow, I am going to remove at least one more board, do some basic cleaning about the deck cavity, and then I’m going to buy replacement floor joists and begin installing them. I really don’t know quite what I’m doing. But, to quote my beloved, “I am using my resources.” And in doing so, I am taking educated chances that might and will result in mistakes and I will live with those mistakes.

I am tired of random, passive living. I am tired of just going with the flow. That personality trait has its benefit, like when I’m visiting with my parents and their well laid out plans go awry and they turn to me and ask, “what do we do now?” And I’ll just say “whatever…I’m flexible.” Because I know them. They have their routines and interrupting those routines can be detrimental.

At the same time, I am not going to become concreted within a routine. Today worked beautifully. I hope that tomorrow will yield similar results. And if it doesn’t, I will be fine. Because I will work through tomorrow and approach Wednesday with the same sense of intentions. I will live with determination. I will live deliberately. And if I have to use a crowbar to wedge myself through the hours, then I will. Becuase I’m damn talented with a crowbar. And an oscillating saw. If that’s actually what I used. Because whatever that tool was, I was the queen of it too.