I Will Not Be Defeated

I have been going through many changes recently, changing different elements of my personality or behaviors so that I can be a better me.  In some respects, I have been able to measure progress through easily, and I am thrilled with how different my life has become because of simple changes in my actions.

However, no matter how hard I work at one goal, I am stymied by the fact that the change I have made has not made any real progress in the last six to seven weeks.  I am frustrated, absolutely and completely frustrated because I have made choices that should be reflected in major differences.

And it’s not there.

I have to admit, I’ve entertained the idea of giving up.  If everything I am doing is not yielding the results that should be happening, then why the hell am I working so hard at all of this?

But I can’t.  I can’t abandon all the work that I have done because I have hit a stopping ground that is keeping me from attaining my goal in the time frame that I had set for myself.  I know that the changes I have made are good and will make a positive change in the rest of my life.  But I just wish that I could see the stepping stones towards my final result.

This is not the only point where I have recently been feeling a bit defeated.  The research that I have completed over the year has been amazing and taught me so much.  However, I was hoping that May would not be the month of survival that, at this point, is how it is shaping up to be.  My goal was that May would be a time of learning and engagement.  I am so exhausted and my students are so burned out, all I can do is move them through five minute increments and hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll tap into the energy that used to be there but is only standing as a reservoir for when they graduate.

Come back my dear ones.  Come back.  I still want to teach.  I still want you to learn.

Teaching is wearying.  But it is lovely to plait my life into the lives of my students and share the road of life with them, even if only for nine or so months.  It is so easy, though, to succumb to the general weariness that exists at this time, when students’ motivation to read is non-existent and the work is piled on.

Goals are so easy to create and so hard to accomplish.  Almost thirty years ago, my goal was to be a best-selling writer who lived in Victorian a house in Maine overlooking the sea.  I was never going to be married and I was going to own a pack of German Shepherds.

I’m not in Maine.  I live in a house that was built in 1997.  I own a mastiff mix.  I am happily married.  And I am not a best-selling writer.

And I am not defeated.  Because to be defeated means that this blog would cease to exist.  To be defeated means that I would sink into the oceans of my students’ apathy and just stop caring and teach only for three reasons:  June, July, and August.  To be defeated means that the changes I have made would end and I would go back to living my life from month to month and praying for help.

I have been given help.  I’ve been given vertebrae whose atomic structure is braided with diamonds and titanium.  I have a backbone that lets me stand erect with my chin up and my head high.  I am not standing on a pedestal staring down my nose.  I don’t need pedestals.  I need my dignity and self-respect.

I have written a novel in which I am hugely proud that I will continue to send to literary agents.  I am working on another novel that hopefully will channel all of my inner sarcasm and a lot of humor.  I will work at getting published because I think that I can because I have written something that seems to hold promise.  I just haven’t unlocked the right words yet.  Don’t worry…I have eight fingers and two thumbs and all of them are fairly dexterous.  I will not stop.

I will not be defeated.  I will not give up in my conquest of change.  So my time frame to have my goals met will be altered.  This does not mean that I won’t beat my own demons in the end.  I have a big hammer and  a hell of a lot of determination.

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